Today I have come to the slow but obvious conclusion, based on events of the last few days, that my role at work is to be changed – and that due to restructure I will soon really be having to find something new to do. I knew this was on the cards, and that others were also going to be in the same boat, but it has now actually sunk in that I will be going – whether by being offered a redundancy or not fitting the new parameters of the role.

What is confusing me is that I have been thinking about going for a while and have been actively taking steps to do so. But I did not make real progress. I have spoken to many organisations and donned my professional face and outfit many times over the last six months – but there have been no offers or new opportunities which really speak to me. The confusion lies in my response to knowing that now the time for me to go is not of my own choosing – that the decision has indeed been made for me – by financial circumstances and perhaps personality differences.

It’s a contrast to the last time I decided to move on from a job. Then I checked my main source of new opportunities – an industry online jobs board – found something attractive, applied, interviewed – and hey presto – within four weeks a happy change was made.

This year things feel different. Am I more specialised (in arts, philanthropy, donations, giving? – yes – but don’t I know more know than before?) – am I more picky in terms of salary range – that’s an easy yes, or am I more difficult to place now that I am older?

I also worry more about my colleagues who are in the same position – we are still not really sure what the final word on what will happen and when will be and to know that something is imminent but have no control over it and no surety is creating anxiety. Several are physically ill – me I feel mostly angry about the process. I understand it’s not personal but it still feels like it is. Is it a reflection on our performance? It seems odd that some of the most hardworking members of the team will soon be gone – does this mean it’s better not to throw one’s whole heart and soul into work?

I came across this video yesterday which put it into perspective – maybe there really is the perfect role for all of us – it’s just a matter of finding it: It’s called Mr W – hope you like it.

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